All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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