the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Come on in and take your pants off
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