Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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