After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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