I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
