The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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