ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
