I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
