LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
