Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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