I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
