come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
my poor anus
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
