I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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