girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
