The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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