i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
