I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
