As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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