oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
