Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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