I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize