I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
