I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you win again, gameday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize