I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
