Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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