Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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