I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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