How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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