when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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