JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
