dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
