The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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