you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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