Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I need a beard to bite.
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