For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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