i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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