woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
