you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize