Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize