I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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