Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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