i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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