Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
