Yo dont text me then not text me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just invented taco cereal.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
