You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
