i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
