I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
