so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
