Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
