Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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