My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
