If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
