She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
