literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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