The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Is it penis luge time yet?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize