Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
