im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
