I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There's always time for handjobs
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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